[Transparent]

Eeek!

These past few months I have had so much on my mind.  I feel like putting some of the think on "paper" to make room for important things.. like concentrating on more important aspects of life.  The first thing that has been weighing on my mind is friendship.  I have never been good at it, and haven't experienced any full fledged, long term, close friendship.  I think about this often and try to find why it's been like this in my life.  I think I've come to a few conclusions.  I'm extremely private and I don't like asking for help. *yikes*.  Did I mention I'm also quite stubborn? I have a giant fear of opening up and letting people in which I'm sure most people do.  Hopefully by coming to these conclusions, I will be able to heal myself and grow so that I can become a better me.  I've decided that I want to try and open up and let people in little by little, even though the thought of it makes me want to hide underneath my blanket in fetal position.  We only live once, and I prefer to make the most of it and not let my fears hold me back from knowing and loving people that I otherwise might not.  I'm sad that I wasn't able to make a lot of close friends when I had the opportunity, for example in high school.  Those were the years that youngins' have the opportunity because, well, they're surrounded by hundreds of people their age.  Maybe it was because I didn't know who I was at the time or who I wanted to be, which is a phase I feel everyone goes through.  Sometimes I wish I just had a few really close friends who really knew me, and took the time to sit down and get to know me.  That sounds selfish, but I myself really listen to people when they tell me things, I remember what they like and don't like, I feel that it's important to acknowledge others and learn of them.  I have met very few who actually take the time to return the same type of generosity.
This brings me to the next few thoughts on friends.  I have recently learned that we are the ones that ultimately decide who will be in our lives, and who will not, who will influence us, and who will not.  We decide if someone is worth keeping.  Personally, I want people who are honest, and REAL in my life.  I want people in my life who will make me a better person and who will give me strength.  I hope that I would do the same in return for them.  I just don't have time for people who are selfish, needy, desperate, and NOT REAL.  I find joy in being genuine & I find joy in those who also find joy in being genuine.  Anyway, sometimes my fear makes times lonely.  It's some things that I know I am needing to work on and am trying to strengthen.  For all those who have been around me and who have to be around me, I do apologize if I come off as uninterested, or "cocky"?  That isn't my intention at all.  I am what people like to call an observer.  I observe my surroundings before I jump in or let loose.  I'm looking for the genuine of heart and the REAL people who are worth investing in.  I hope I don't offend anyone by this or hurt anyone's feelings.  Some I simply haven't had the opportunity to really get to know.  With me, it may take a few dates and maybe there wasn't time for those few dates to occur.  I hope I can better myself, and I hope that I can become a good friend to others and let people into my life.  I can't believe I'm posting this, but I feel it's a step forward in becoming comfortable.